Thirteenth doctoral commandment: Build those relationships
by Constance Davis | May 25, 2010
Learning to work with your mentor is no different than learning to work with anyone else in your life. It probably does not happen overnight. It may even mean a few missteps at the beginning. But the best way for it to grow is to keep working at it. You learn to respect boundaries, but you learn to ask questions. You learn to communicate and you learn when to figure things out yourself.
Apparently some learners think that relationships just happen and that it requires no work on their part. Or they think that because they are paying for each quarter in dissertation, the mentor should wait on the learner hand and foot. I tell my own advisees to take ownership of this phase of their doctoral journey. Initiate contact. Make sure there is weekly contact – if nothing more than a check-in most of the 10 weeks of the quarter. Do not expect your mentor to be available 24/7. Ask questions – but see if you can figure out some of the answers first. (Translation: do some homework before you ask the questions.) Remember that a relationship also requires some discussion (and active listening) about issues, flexibility and some respect for what each brings to the table.
A speaker at my own commencement talked about that mentor-mentee relationship and how difficult it could be. I remember watching as my fellow graduates received their hoods from their mentors and then greeted the mentors. The body language told me a lot about the nature of those relationships. Some gave their mentors a warm hug. Some gave just a lukewarm hug. Some had a hearty handshake. And in a few instances, the new graduate could not have stretched any farther to shake the mentors’ hand. Which new graduate will you be?
3 Responses to "Thirteenth doctoral commandment: Build those relationships"
HERIBERT ZOUETCHOU says:
“Some gave their mentors a warm hug”.
A mentee’s “warm hug” given to a mentor, sometime reinforced by a large smile and strong hands shake; during a graduation ceremony can have many readings. The mentee had a broken relationship with the spouse. He/she lost a well paid job, or a very important family’s member or friend during his/her Ph D journey. Because of those moral breakers events he/she was absolutely determined to relinquish the Ph D journey, but the mentor‘s assistance kept he/she on board until that graduation day. The mentee’s dissertation topic was broad and the mentor assisted him/her to narrow it down. The research questions and methodology were not well formulated, and the mentor’s advice fixed the problem. The research proposal and draft dissertation were not well elaborated, and the mentor did a thorough editing. The mentee didn’t have enough knowledge to understand and write the dissertation’s chapter 3 or 4, and the mentor identified for him/her appropriate peer-reviews articles, books, or human resources who helped him/her out.
In one word, a mentee’s “warm hug” during a graduation ceremony is a vibrant sign of mentee’s gratefulness for the diverse supports received from the mentor and that led the mentee to that consecration day. That is how the relationship mentor-mentee is supposed to be: peace, obedience, improvement, and success.
Ryan James Reid says:
“We want the world to allow the unconditional fulfillment of our aspirations, and this does not happen, we fall prey to suffering. Our search for happiness is more often founded in our illusions than on reality. It is pointless to try to shape the world to fit our desires – we must choose to shape our minds” – Matthieu Ricard
“You should begin to build up confidence in your own richness.
The richness is the essence of generosity. It is the sense of resourcefulness,
that you can deal with whatever is available around you and not feel poverty-stricken”
- Chogyam Trungpa
“Invisible suffering is the latent suffering that is present in all that we are, in the guise of ignorance, attachment to the self, and a false perception of reality”
- Matthieu Ricard
Brenda Hawkey says:
The mentor is the one single most important person in your doctoral journey. This followed only by your advisor and your committee. Relying on your mentor is necessary at times. Your advisor as well as your committee follow closely and are well versed in guidance. Building your own “can do” attitude is what will carry you through. I have never posted to a blog in my life. However, my mentor and I have developed a relationship that is based on mutual respect with a true mentor/mentee partnership. I indeed value her opinion and more time then not heed her advice. Likewise she allows me to develop my skills as a scholar…this is what the doctoral journey is all about…developing a scholarly attitude. The attitude is exhibited by the learner’s characteristics, behaviors, and actions that are absolutely necessary for success. Anne Auten and I decided in our first meeting that we have a pact and a path. The pact is to see it through to success and the path is the journey—and let us enjoy the journeying.